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Monthly Archives: October 2011

She walked, smiling, grinning, as if excited for what lay ahead. When she passed most people they were shocked, but not alarmed. They had never seen her smiling before, but hey! it was Halloween after all. Candy, tricks. Maybe it was her favorite holiday.

The teachers were the most surprised to see the girl seating in class looking cheerful. They checked and rechecked their seating charts and called the office asking if there had been a mix up and a new student had accidentally been placed in their class. But no, no one new was registered. And she answered to her name. She was actually raising her hand!

If anyone had asked the girl what was so special about today, she might just have told them. But everyone was in such utter shock no one bothered with the question at all. They just sat staring at her, and for once she didn’t mind.

After she arrived home, she ate her normal after school snack, and went into the basement at precisely 4:32. When she came up again, the world around her was in ruins.

Just like she had planned.

Broken I lay on the floor
As you yell so loud,
“Why won’t you walk out the door?”
“I think I’m just too proud.

I know I can make this work,
Just give me one more chance!”
You beat me as if you were berserk
And left me with a glance.

My heart was destroyed that day
As you walked out the door.
And where you left me I will stay;
Broken I lay on the floor.

I felt so vulnerable. You sat staring at me, my gaunt body, my sunken eyes. I must have looked like a ghost to you, my previously caramel colored skin now barely recognizable as having any sort of pigmentation.

“So, where exactly did you say you were all this time?” you asked, clearly wondering if I were a figment of your imagination. I couldn’t be real. I had long been dead to you. I told you someone had hidden me far away. You shook your head in disbelief.

“You’re not real. I’m finally cracking up,” you said as you walked away, thinking that if you drank more I would disappear. But I continued my story until you were inclined to ask the question that must of been nagging you this entire time.

“Who did it?” as you spoke the words, you seemed to know the answer. There was no other possible answer.

“You”

black and blue
ruined and bruised
hurt and scarred
falling apart
defeated now
and asking how
you can go on
with what you’ve done

You wouldn’t understand how tragic the tragedy I saw occur was to me. Sure, suicide is bad and sad and all, but have you ever see it happen in person as you beg someone not to do it, as you say you care, have you ever seen someone blow their head off as you say I love you? Tragedy can wreak havoc upon your state of mind, your physical health. When you see a bullet rip through the flesh of the only person you’ve ever loved, ending their life, it can literally throw you across the room, causing you to weep until you have no more tears. When you know that there was nothing you could have done to save someone, to know that someone didn’t love you enough to choose the life ultimatum, it destroys your self-esteem. Your heart busts, it implodes, and you feel as if you are going to bleed out on the inside until you join the person who you are clutching, dead, in your feeble arms, as your salty tears splat against their barely warm lips. The next time you have to be dragged across the room from a supposed “crime scene” and left in the corner as you lay heaving in air and trying to dry your face so you can see your true love being hauled away from you on a blue gurney and popped into an ambulance to be taken to the morgue, talk to me. But until then, let me enjoy my slow death by broken heart. It’s the only thing I have left.

How do you want to be remembered? As the one I couldn’t bear to look at? As the one I was disgusted with? You don’t have many options at this point. I trusted you. You were my rock. You were supposed to care for me! Is that what you would call what you did? Because I certainly wouldn’t.

Today I threatened suicide
Thinking no one would care
But you cried, to my surprise
Do you really want me here?

Yes I want to believe you
But I feel it was an act
Why can’t I see through you
To check if this is fact

If just one person loved me
Enough to really care
I promise I wouldn’t do it
Wouldn’t even go there

But I thought my world was empty
Despair was all I had
So I made a plan to end it all
I thought life just that bad

But your crying gave me hope
Even if it was just fake
I think someone does love me
So my life I will not take

She sat there, tentative to take another shot, but doing so anyways, hoping she would blackout. So, this was how she would breach her contract, getting drunk and high, ruining her friendship with the only person who cared. It didn’t matter now. Sam Adams was her friend. Mary Jane was her lesbian lover. Who cared what that other girl- what was her name? Did it really matter?-thought anyways? The ember-filled fire place sizzled and popped as she threw their contract in. No need for it now.

I am angry.
I am feeling.
Now I finally
Can start healing.

Blood
Beading
Red
Anxiously
I
Watch
Waiting
To
Heal